Recent Advice

Remember, I can help you, too! Just leave your problem in the comments and I will fix it with my remarkable wisdom.

Dear Gurrbonzo,

Please help me. I sit at my computer blogging all day and neglecting my children. They are running amok and my house smells like poop. Can you help me oh wise one?

Desperately,
Nikki

Dear Nikki,

What I'm about to share is so simple and yet so profound that it may shock you in its perfect plainness. Are you sitting down?
All your problems will disappear with only three simple things: a nanny, Febreeze, and a fountain drink. Then you can blog, they can poop, all is well. You're welcome!

Gurrbonzo.


Dear Gurrbonzo,

Practically everyone that I know has a crush on me. Despite the constant attention, I still have not found my one true love. How do I keep my sex-appeal without making people pass out when they see me?

Sincerely,
Zacharoo & Anna

Dear ZachAttack and AnnaBanana,

Plain and simple: you have got to stop putting out. Got it? People can sense your willingness to give it up and that works well for random action but not for true luv. Even passers-by can sense this and that's why they keep passing out when they see you. No first date smooches, no casual club sex, no nothing, kapeesh? Upping the prude factor will send your luv factor through the roof, guaranteed.

Sincerely,
Gurrbonzo.



Dear Gurrbonzo,

Help me! I hate my life. I want to drop out of law school. I have packed on 100+ lbs since I started, I never date, and I am constantly humiliated. Is there any hope for me?

Eagerly awaiting your response,
Pimply in Provo

Dear Pimply in Provo,
There IS hope for you. Increase your water intake and stop walking around barefoot, for starters. Exercise 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes per day (to begin with) and start picking up babes. Do your homework, and quit filling out the seating chart accurately, so your teachers won't know where you are to humiliate you.You need more confidence, and there is only one thing that brings confidence: lunchdates. Schedule them in pronto and check back with me. Good luck and you're welcome!

gurrbonzo.

Dear Bonz,

Wow - Rachel (and the rest of us, quite frankly) is quite lucky to have you as a life coach. Sounds like you really know what you're talking about.Maybe you can help me: I have this problem...see, sometimes I leave my participles dangling. Any suggestions?
Andrew

Dear Andrew,

You aren't the only one with this problem, and there is only one solution: www.freetetris.org.
You're welcome.

Love,Gurrbonzo

Burrbonzo,

Um, I have a problem. I went to the hospital and when I left, I had no bum and nothing to fill my bras with. Also, my tummy is really swollen. I went from cute hourglass figure to semi-starving big albino Ethiopian figure. My confidence is shot. I can't focus on anything. What do I do?

Hopeless,
Me

Dear Me,

Do NOT go back to the hospital. They took your boobs and bum, and your brain could be next. Next time you don't feel well, lie down for a few minutes and eat a few NutterButter bite-sized snacks. If that doesn't work, play Spider Solitaire. You're welcome.

You need a life coach!

I am here to solve your problems. Just ask Rachel, one my most successful customers, how having a life coach has turned her life around.

"Having Gurrbonzo as my life coach has turned my frown upside down! I went from a frazzled, hyperventilating introvert on the verge of dropping out of law school and hiding in a corner of the library rocking back and forth, and am now a champion in every way. I makeout with randoms, have a billion interviews, and lots of cool extracurricular activities, in addition to my ever-improving sophistication. Thanks to specific weekly plans, daily assignments and goals, and creative artwork helping me visualize success, my life is going places! The best money I ever spent was hiring Gurrbonzo as my lifecoach." -- Rachel, LifeCoach Class of 2006-2007 and current student.

before.

after.

Wondering what a life coach is? As reported here,

"These new professionals deal with relatively healthy people who want to improve their lives in specific ways, such as changing careers, finding a healthy relationship, taking their business to a new level, losing weight or deepening their self-understanding, for example. They deal with stress management as well as time management, goal setting and other key areas of change to help their clients lead more balanced lives that better reflect clients’ personal values and priorities. It differs from therapy in that the focus is more on the present and future than the past, more on goals and behaviors than emotions and emotional patterns, and there is a more equal balance of power between the coach and client than between the typical therapist and client."

You're welcome in advance for the successful life you're about to have! Simply comment with your problems and I will work my lifecoach magic.